Emotionless
by Sushigirl07
Summary: Lil Spike thinks about his father's death...will hate consume this young man? Please R&R!


Emotionless  
  
AN: Hey ya'll this is a short song fic for little Spike (Spike and Faye's son from my other fic A Gangsta's A Gangsta). It's basically how he feels after what he thought happened on that night in chapter 21. // song lyrics// The song is by Good Charlotte---"Emotionless" I hope everyone likes it!  
  
He sat there in the inviting dark night; the freshly stricken match that he held between his slender fingers supplied the only source of light. The wet wooden bench beneath him creaked as he stood up. He brought the burning match to the dry cigarette waiting between his thin virgin lips. He inhaled deeply as the deadly smoke swirled around in his lungs before being expelled once again. The match lit up his figure for a brief moment displaying his long slender emotionless face. He shook his hand extinguishing the match before carelessly throwing it to the wet ground. As he walked across the uneven and lumpy grass grounds of the cemetery he casually sucked on the cigarette removing it from his lips every so often. He walked up to a marble head stone and looked down on it defiantly keeping his back straight and proud. He dropped the cigarette and snuffed it out with the toe of his boot. With his other hand he shuffled around in his pocket finding what he was looking for. He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, a generic ballpoint pen and a small flashlight. He had never really organized his thoughts about the single most important moment of his life, the death of his father. That's why he went there that night, to the cemetery. He flicked the small switch on the flashlight as it illuminated the grave marker before him. He reached out to it running his log fingers along the letters engraved deeply in the stone, as deep as the pain in his heart. He traced every letter, "Spike Spiegel, Lived.Loved.Died.2044-2073." He squatted down looking down at the paper and started writing.  
  
//Hey dad  
  
I'm writing to you//  
  
  
  
He wanted to get his thoughts strait for once; he didn't want the jumble of hate and pain in his heart anymore. He wanted peace for once. Some people are sad but he, he turned his sorrow into hate and ache.  
  
  
  
//not to tell you, that I still hate you//  
  
  
  
He thought about that dark night so many years ago. He hated his father for dieing, for leaving him and his mother, but he didn't want all that hate anymore. All he wanted was an explanation.  
  
  
  
//just to ask you  
  
how you feel  
  
and how we fell apart  
  
how this fell apart//  
  
  
  
'What happened Dad? Why did you die? What did we ever do to drive you so far away, to drive you to death?' He felt salty tears burning his eyes, but he wouldn't shed another tear for his father. 'Was it something I did? Was it Mom?' He just wanted to know.  
  
  
  
//are you happy out there in this great wide world?  
  
do you think about your son?//  
  
  
  
'Do you ever think of me? Do you ever dwell on memories of yester year? I do.'  
  
  
  
//do you miss your little girl?//  
  
'Would it had been better if I had siblings? Would that have stopped you?' He didn't understand.  
  
  
  
//when you lay your head down  
  
how do you sleep at night?  
  
do you even wonder if we're all right?//  
  
  
  
'Do you think about us? About Mom, if she's all right? Well you should see what you did to her! What a horrible shell of a woman she is now. She doesn't go one day with out crying for your ghost to come and take her away from it all. Do you know that?'  
  
  
  
//but we're all right  
  
we're all right//  
  
  
  
'But I will never let you effect me. I will never give in like my mother. You made a strong woman break down to her knees. But I will stand strong!' He looked up at the midnight sky. "It's not right to hate your father with such a passion. It's just not right." His mother had told him that so many times, but he had always ignored her. Now he stopped and dwelled on those words.  
  
  
  
//it's been a long hard road without you by my side  
  
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried//  
  
  
  
He felt a thick layer of ice around his heart melt as he thought about the times he had cried for his father. 'It's been so hard with out you Dad.'  
  
  
  
//you broke my mother's heart  
  
you broke your children for life  
  
it's not ok,  
  
but we're all right//  
  
  
  
He gripped the pen tightly. 'You broke Mom's heart, she'll never he happy again till the day she dies. You broke mine too.' he couldn't help but let a tear escape his auburn eyes.  
  
  
  
//I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes//  
  
  
  
'I remember thinking of you as this larger than life hero.' The tear fell blurring the letters on the paper.  
  
//but those were just a long lost memory of mine  
  
I spent so many years learning how to survive//  
  
  
  
He stopped and wiped the tear away. 'But I've learned how to survive with out you! And those are just old memories, nothing more than a small child's imagination.'  
  
  
  
//Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive//  
  
  
  
He tried to think of his original intent for his letter. 'I just want an answer! Why Dad why?' "Why?" he sighed aloud in a smooth sorrowful voice.  
  
  
  
//the days I spent so cold, so hungry  
  
were full of hate  
  
I was so angry//  
  
  
  
'I've been so angry so full of hate all because of you. You've impacted me more than you'll ever know Father.'  
  
  
  
//those scars run deep inside this tattooed body  
  
there's things I'll take, to my grave//  
  
  
  
'I'll never tell anyone how I feel.I'll take that to my grave, just like you took the secret of why you felt you had to die to yours.'  
  
  
  
//but I'm okay  
  
I'm okay//  
  
  
  
He stopped again. "Dad I'm okay now." He whispered to the earth that held his father six feet under.  
  
  
  
//it's been a long hard road without you by my side  
  
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
  
you broke my mother's heart  
  
you broke your children for life  
  
it's not ok,//  
  
  
  
He started to write again quickly running out of room on the small paper. 'I may be ok but it will never be okay what you did to us, to my Mother. The woman you said you loved!'  
  
  
  
//but we're all right  
  
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
  
but those were just a long lost memory of mine//  
  
  
  
'But I'll keep those old memories of you with me.'  
  
  
  
//Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive  
  
yeah, I'm still alive  
  
sometimes.  
  
I forgive//  
  
  
  
'.because sometime I forgive.' He had realized something very important.  
  
  
  
//yeah and this time  
  
I'll admit  
  
that I miss you, said I miss you//  
  
  
  
He missed his daddy. Simple as that.  
  
  
  
//it's been a long hard road without you by my side  
  
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
  
you broke my mother's heart  
  
you broke your children for life  
  
it's not ok,  
  
but we're all right//  
  
  
  
'I'll be okay, I've learned to survive with out you but.'  
  
  
  
//I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
  
but those were just a long lost memory of mine//  
  
  
  
'I'll keep you in my memories father. You really were always a hero to me.'  
  
  
  
//Now, I'm writing just to let you know that were still alive//  
  
  
  
All he ever wanted was a father to take him to baseball games, give him nuggies, sneak him chocolate before dinner, be his buddy. 'I just want an answer.'  
  
  
  
//and sometimes  
  
I forgive//  
  
  
  
'Mom told me it unnatural to hate your father, so daddy I'll tell you something no one else knows about me, sometimes I forgive.'  
  
  
  
//and this time  
  
I'll admit, that I miss you, miss you//  
  
  
  
'I just want you to know that I miss you.' He finished and folded the paper in half. "I miss you daddy." He stood up shinning the light on the tombstone as a light rain started to pour. He looked at a tan trench coat draped carelessly on the marble. He picked it up and put it on, it fit perfectly. He left the folded paper on the grave under a think layer of soil, his thoughts buried like his father's cold body. He lit up another cigarette as he turned his back on the grave of his father. He put his hands in his pockets. As the lightning flashed his figured changed taller and leaner, his fathers figure. It flashed again in the dark night, back to his shorter form. As it flashed again the woman waiting for him with an umbrella whispered to herself as she brought her hand to her face coving her mouth. "Spike.."  
  
  
  
He walked up to her. "What?" He asked taking the umbrella. His mother looked at the jacket he was wearing. "I thought you were your father for a moment." She told him smiling. It was a fake smile the same she had worn for 20 years. He looked back to his father's grave. She pulled at the fabric of the coat. "Where did you get this?" She asked taking my hand and smelling the coats sleeve. "It was on dad's grave." She dropped it suddenly. "Oh Spike.." I heard her murmur quietly. I hugged her tightly before we turned to leave the cemetery.  
  
  
  
//hey dad//  
  
  
  
'I miss you dada..'  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
AN: ok that was really kinda sad but he misses his dad so he still loves him and lil Spike knows that now. I don't know if I should let him ever know why...maybe in the next chapter of ma fic but oh well. Please review!!! I love hearin' from ya'll. 


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